8 (from Stephanie)

Posted: December 3, 2012 by Kat in Uncategorized

My sweet Creeder,

Today is your 8th birthday and rather than blowing out your candles with me, you’re in heaven having a birthday celebration like no other.  I wish I could tell you that I’m ok and that things are just great here, but I just can’t.  I miss you more than I can describe and there is not a day that goes by that my heart doesn’t ache for you.  I’ve tried very hard to be the mom I was for you…the strong one, the one that could see the good through the pain.  There are days when I see that pretty clear and then there are days I can’t see a thing.  I often wander in your room, just looking around at what used to be.  I can hear your laugh as I gaze around at your toys.  I can hear you talk to Casper as I hold your puppy and see your smile as I think of you calling out my name.  “Our” house is covered with pictures of you.  I love seeing your face as I make my way from room to room.

There are days when this all seems like the worst nightmare ever and then there are days when I’m reminded of how sick you were and how happy and healthy you are now.  I would give anything to see it for myself, but now is not the time I guess.  I want you to know that my life will never be the same for so many reasons.  You taught me how to fight and never give up.  You taught me that even when things are horrible, there’s a reason to smile.  You taught me how to love.  You are my hero and I continue to thank God for allowing me to be your mommy.  I wish everyday that you would have been given a different body…one that wasn’t crippled by sin.  One that would fight sickness and one that never knew what a life in the hospital was like.  One that was healthy…  I guess that’s selfish of me, if those wishes were to have come true, this story would all be different and who knows what it would have looked like.  I choose to believe it happened just as God planned it.  As painful as it is for me to endure, I know that it was thought out from the beginning and I have to hold that close to my heart.

I wish that I could have watched you grow up.  I can’t imagine you being any cuter than you were, but I just know that you would be.  I wish so much that you could have had the chance to fulfill all your hopes and dreams.  I can’t imagine what your life is like now, I’m sure you’re having a blast and living it to the fullest.  I’m so glad that you haven’t been sick and aren’t hurting.  God promised that wouldn’t happen in heaven and that definitely makes me smile.

This birthday is the first where we aren’t celebrating it together, I don’t know if they will get easier for me.  I can remember the day you were born like it was yesterday, your daddy and I didn’t know what you were.  We wanted a surprise…we got one!!  A sweet tiny 2lb little boy.  The most precious little creature that we had ever seen.  I had no idea how to take care of you or what to do, but I figured it out.  We waited 91 days to bring you home, but the day finally came.  I put every bit of life I had into taking care of you.  I had never loved anything so much in my life.

I look back over the 7 years and 4 months that I had with you and I cherish every minute.  All the snuggle time, all the laughter, all the sadness, all the joy, all the pain.  I loved watching you grow up, and become a little boy.  Hearing your raspy voice, those cute little blue glasses.  I’ll never look at a black batting glove the same, hear 007 and not think to myself…there’s really only one 007 and he belonged to me.  I hate that I have to continue to go through this life without you and that we won’t celebrate birthday’s together.  There are so many things I wanted to do with you.  I often wonder where you would have gone to college or what sport you would have played.  I think of being the mother of the groom and how handsome you would have been on that day.  What your family would have looked like, and what you would have grown up to be.  A doctor? A spy? A dirt bike rider?  Your list changed daily…I secretly always hoped you’d be a doctor and find a cure for the horrible illness that infected your sweet little body.  But…what ever you would have chosen, I know without a doubt you’d be amazing!!

My sweet little one, you were amazing to me and to many, many others.  I wish so badly I could watch you blow out your candles today and make one more wish…but that can’t happen.  I’ve asked God to help me understand his plan and to reassure me that I’ll be ok without you.  I know you are having a blast today and everyday, but I sure do miss you.  Happy Birthday Creeder!!  I love you to the moon and back.

Mommy

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Comments
  1. Dwight Dunn says:

    Mommy could have not wrote it better , and she IS the greatest mom. I love you. My Creeder. You Know. Enough said. Pop Pop

  2. Sabrina Webster says:

    You are always in our hearts, we love you.

  3. Linda Dixon says:

    Woke up this morning with Creeder on my mind!! We will be thinking about him today, as well as you and Jon. Heaven is going to be a rocking place today, celebrating that precious boy’s birthday. I’m sure God hasn’t smiled as much in a long time! Know our balloon made it to him!!! We love ya’ll. Big and Granda

  4. Sandee Wilson says:

    My prayers and thoughts are with you, I can feel your pain and jubilation. I will continue to pray for you Mom, no one knows the gut wrenching sorrow in the loss of a child unless it happens to them. I also know your Love for a God who knew best for your Creeder, and he had a place prepared for him especially with no more pain or suffering. Hallelujah to Lamb for his promises of a New tomorrow, and strength for each day. He is always with you, and knows your every hearts desire, and I join you in lifting up your baby in adoration and Love. I think of you and your son often, and I know that God will see you through. Please know that someone in Dothan, Al. has you in their prayers. His Promise – Sandee Wilson

  5. Brenda Rodgers says:

    My prayers are with you.

    Much love – Brenda in Fort Valley

  6. Cecelia Prator says:

    With tears in my eyes, I am reading your precious letter filled with love and great pain. Your strength, faith and motherly love are such a testimony to God’s presence in all of this. Know I will continue to remember Creeder’s and your strength and determination in the face of such struggles. God bless you dear Stephanie.
    Cecelia Prator,
    prayer warrior and friend

  7. Sharon Haywood McMullen says:

    You are in my thoughts and prayers everyday.. Today my heart is aching for you… Love you so much Stephanie.. I hate that you have been through all this but through this you have shown amazing strength as a mother and Creed needed that from you… You will be ok because now your little 007 is being strong for you and smiling down on you everyday.. Take care of you now Stephanie..

  8. John Rainbolt says:

    Althought I never had the pleasure to meet Creeder in person, his life, struggles, loves, strenght and faith I see though my grandchildren (Allisyn, Aaron, Austin, Taylor, Maddie) whom love him, Having lost a child myself I know the pain you struggle with daily. You are blessed with Creeder’s memories, these will never be taken from you. Thinking about Creeder and his parents. Peace to all.

  9. kristen Prator Bagwell says:

    I simply cannot speak after reading that. Stephanie, please know that no matter how dark it feels today (or any other day), you are not alone. While our pain and longing can in NO WAY compare to your, we are felling it with you as we watch you heal and grow and move a little further down the road. I can even imaging that at least ‘feeling’ this emptiness make you feel a close connection to what was. But let me assure you, that having lunch with my mother in law on Saturady, on her (would be 39th) son’s birthday, 19 years after his battle with cancer, she is still moved by his memory, but she does have joy! It will come back to you and you WILL know peace. You will always talk about your Creeder and what he did for you, for all of us and you will always wonder wbaout the what if . . . but God does have something in store for you, that will never fill that spot but can bring you assurance that your life is still FULL of purpose and meaning and need while we finish our own days here on earth. I truly love you and hope that today makes you smile with peace, even just for a moment.

    hurting beside you,
    Kristen Bagwell

  10. Happy Birthday Creed! May you celebrate your 8th Birthday with Jesus and all of the other loved ones in Heaven!! I can only imagine how awesome a Birthday in Heaven must be, especially with all of the balloons on their way up to you throughout the day today! I also wonder how many flavors of dum-dums there are and if you’ve tried them all yet?

    Stephanie and Jon, may the peace of knowing that Creed is no longer in pain today comfort you! I hope you still get a cake, put 8 candles on it, sing Happy Birthday as loud as you can and celebrate your awesome little boy!

  11. Robin Cochran says:

    Today

    Today is Creed’s birthday. What a true honor to have known him. He came into our family and stole our hearts at Lighthouse Family Retreat. No one who met him that week will ever be the same. Ever. From that week on, God has used him to touch hearts and teach many how to love selflessly.

    Today, Amanda and Chase have school and so that’s where they are. They know it’s Creeds birthday. I don’t really think they will ever forget. We reminded them that going to school, playing sports, volunteering, and doing normal, everyday things is something Creed wanted so badly. What a perfect way for them to celebrate and honor their dear friend….living a normal life, outside the hospital, learning to love others well.

    Last night, Frank and I were talking about just how amazing it is that one little boy can continue to touch so many lives. Frank had just a great perspective….”kinda helps you get a glimpse at how one little baby born long ago is still changing hearts and lives.” That’s it. Jesus. That’s our hope. Hope for a mom and a dad who miss their boy desperately. Hope for ANY and ALL of us who face any sort of uncertainty or unspeakable pain. The birth of Jesus…hope….it changed everything. Makes it somehow possible to grieve with hope, love with hope. Amazing. God used a sweet, precious, crazy and fun boy to point us to Christ, to give glory to Him.

    So tonight, we’ll celebrate Creed’s life with balloons, cherry coke, a side salad or cole slaw and a spicy Chic-fil-a chicken sandwich and pray we will love and live daily with the same hope and passion Creed did. I am thankful for his sweet life and how God used him to touch our family. Thank you for sharing him so generously. Thankful to God for his boundless love for us. And for hope.

  12. Greg Crawford says:

    Stephanie,
    Our thoughts and prayers continue to be with you. I cannot fathom your hurt but do rejoice in the fact that Creed was a perfect “vessel” of Christ’s love. He touched so many lives!

  13. Cinda Neurohr says:

    It’s hard to put my thoughts into words after listening to your heart. Having four children and two grandsons of my own (Aidan was Creed’s classmate last year), losing a child would be the most hearbreaking experience I could imagine. I often wonder how you are doing when I walk my dogs past your place (we live in the same neighborhood). Creed is such a beautiful child in every way, and I was so blessed to know him. You love him so well, and be assured that that love is being continued in so many marvelous ways in eternity. My prayers and thoughts are with you as you continue to heal. Blessings, Cinda

  14. Creed left his mark on so many lives, including ours. We feel blessed to have known him and spent to amazing summers with him at the Lighthouse. He is why we do what we do. Our thoughts prayers are with you today. Creed is Safely Home now and I know he heard the words we all long to hear….well done good and faithful servant. And he was.

  15. Sue Gonzalez says:

    BIG HUGS for you today Steph!!!!! Creed will always live on in our hearts we have so many wonderful memories of when we met you guys at Lighthouse Family Retreat. You know that Creed was the first boy to ask Mackenzie to dance and it was because of him singing with Brett Younker with such joy and love in his heart, that is what brought us back to the church. We are forever changed for having met him, he inspired a whole lot of good in his short time here! I’m so thankful that you posted his Celebration of Life, we just saw it for the first time and it was beautiful!!!
    Sue, Yovany, Alicia, Anthony, ^Mackenzie^ & Chris

  16. Jen Geist says:

    Beautiful, Stephanie. Lifting you up in prayer as you continue to heal and grow. You are one amazing woman. Take care of you.

  17. Audrey Henderson says:

    Stephanie, I don’t know you personally, but I am a friend of Sabrina Webster and have followed Creeds’s story for a while now. I have prayed for you and Creed many times and for you often since he went to be with the Lord. I read your letter to Creed early this morning and have been praying and thinking of you often today. I watched Creeds Celebration again today and I cryed, prayed for you and Jon and praised God that Creed is with Him and is singing and praising God in a new and perfect body. Creed’s life touched many people and brought Glory to God!

    Love in Christ,

    Audrey Henderson

    I make mention of you in my prayers that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the father of glory, may give to you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him, the eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that you may know what is the hope of His calling.
    Ephesians1:16-18-

    • Stephanie when I red all that you wrote at his Bday which just happened to be mine too. My mind just imagine wt tour life has bean lome with out Your Sweet Creed. Many times after he left this world I thought of you and how tour days were. Many times I imagine how painful life must had bean after he was gone. And all I can do is I imagine becaouse thank to my father in haeven I don’t never had to feel that! I also never got to meet you or Creed but I know Sabrina Webster and that is how I found out all about Creed and you and his fight for his beautiful life, his faith, his smile, his love, his hopes and more than anything his strainght! One amazing little but huge human being! And I can just say that God did gave you a gift to have had him and learn so much with him on his short but so awesome life!!! I really wish I had got to meet him. But I just y to know that I think about you and him and pray for tou my dear. Keep on have faith and God will continue to hold you strong and to love you as he always did. May God bless tou and tour family and I wish tou and tour family a Merry Christmas! And I know it will be hard to do that with out Creed but just like you said and believe in you heart that he is happy right now and no pain and watching you and still loving the same way forever and ever!!! ❤

  18. alex says:

    luv u creeder, love cousin alex

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