Bruises, sludge and thank you’s

Posted: April 21, 2013 by creedsstory in Uncategorized

It’s been a long year.  One that I never thought I’d make it through, one that I still at times can’t believe happened.  It’s been a very dark year, a very sad year, a very painful year.  I’ve hated it most days, wanted it to go away, wanted to remove myself from it.  But…I’m here, and today I’m thankful for that.  

I’m asked a lot how I’m doing, or how I’m feeling.  I always try to be honest with my response and not hide what my heart feels.  When I sat down to write this, I thought, ok Steph, how can you relay this last year to people.  The word that came to mind over and over was BRUISE.  Bruises are weird things aren’t they?  You forget you have them sometimes and then other times they ache even when they aren’t touched.  You can get them by gently bumping into something or by colliding with something.  Some of us bruise easier than others.  Some bruises last for weeks while others fade quickly.  Oddly, some are really beautiful as they marble under our skin.  Then there are those that are scary to look at.  They can swell, and get hot.  They can even leave a scar from the blood that stained underneath the skin.  My point is throughout the last year, I have felt every one of those things.  Some days, I’d go with out crying, others I’d be crippled with pain and all I could do was cry.  Some days the pain was beautiful because I knew just where it was coming from, other days it disgusted me.  Some days it was bearable, others I couldn’t move.  I’ll never see a bruise the same way again.  I think my heart will be bruised forever.  I’m guessing that the painful days will spread out and the beauty will be seen, but I know that from time to time my heart will ache and the memories will flood me.  I’m learning what that looks like and what to do when I feel bruised.  I’m nowhere near knowing how to handle this new life and all the adjustments that come with it.  Most days just getting to work is about all I can do.  I do love when I can smile and laugh though.  When I can be at peace and enjoy what the day brings.  Those days are slowly increasing, and I know that Creeder is extremely happy about that.  I know he hates when his mommy is sad and struggling.  He didn’t like it when he was here.  He’s my strength on days when I don’t want to move, when my bruises hurt too much.  I think over and over, how would Creed face this day?  I have quickly realized that he was way stronger than his mommy, but I’m trying.  

This year has also felt like I’ve been walking in sludge.  Thick nasty sludge.  I know you’ve all seen a car or truck stuck in mud, tires spinning and getting nowhere. That’s me…stuck in nasty nasty mud. It’s been so exhausting.  Nothing is easy and everyday is a reminder. When I can move at all through the sludge, I bump up against a million things that remind me just how different my life is now.  Things that make my bruise hurt more.  I’m a pretty observant person, lets be honest, it’s scary how observant I am.  This year though, I can’t remember anything after Creed’s service.  It’s like after that day my mind just shut down and has been in recovery mode since.  The numbness and pain are all that I can remember.  I feel like I’ve just been sitting in a pool of sludge and have just now gotten closer to the shallow end.  I’m not out, but my feet can touch, and that’s better than treading.  

Spring has been good for me.  The flowers blooming and hearing the birds chirp.  It’s somehow made it easier for me to breathe.  I think mostly because this was the time of year when Creed was somewhat healthy.  I have lots of memories watching him play outside when the weather started warming up.  It’s reminds me of how beautiful things can be.  It also reminds me that things can be good again.  Something I never thought I’d be able to say.  As I’m reminded of all the good things that spring brings, I’m also reminded of all the thank you’s that I didn’t say or send and I’m sorry about that.  I honestly wish I could make a list of everyone who has done something for me, but because my memory has failed me, I can’t.  So I’m going to say Thank You now.  Thank you for praying for me, for loving me, for listening to me, for crying with me, for holding me, for feeding me, for bringing my trashcans in, for getting my mail, for making phone calls I couldn’t, for releasing balloons, for celebrating, for not forgetting the 15th, for painting rocks, for sending cards, for texting, for cleaning my house, for moving me, for singing at Creed’s service, for playing at Creed’s service, for speaking at Creed’s service, for planning Creed’s service, for beach houses, for flowers, for things I didn’t even know where done.  I wouldn’t be here today without the love of you all and I don’t take that for granted or lightly.  I know that when I couldn’t feel God’s love he sent you all to me so that I could.  I have never known love like this and am reminded everyday that God is in control and he is still good.  I’ve never doubted those things, but some days it has been hard to remember.  I’m trying everyday and somedays I do and somedays I don’t.  But I know that just because I may not be able to, that doesn’t mean He doesn’t.  I’m still taking it one day at a time and continue to feel my bruises. Knowing everyday that this is all part of God’s plan and his journey for me.

Much love,
Creed’s mommy

Advertisements
Comments
  1. NIcole Baring says:

    Beautiful Steph. I pray that you continue to feel the love & prayers from your family and friends as your heart heals. We LOVE you.

  2. jliggin@windstream.net says:

    Certainly We all feel God’s love when we read this beautiful letter. Just as he has surrounded you with His love during Creed’s life, He is always there for u now. God Bless you as you heal. Creeder would be so proud of his mommy.

  3. Andrew Thompson says:

    God Bless you, Steph. I still think about the big guy all of the time. I hope you find peace and happiness and know that Creed was blessed to have such a strong Mom.

    Take care.

    AT

    Sent from my iPhone

  4. Dwight Dunn says:

    Well done “Punkin”. Some days I think of you all day. You are an extremely exceptional mom and young lady. I am very proud of you. I love you very much .

  5. Jennifer anderson says:

    First of all I am proud of you! You are still getting up and making the best of this horrible nightmare. I can honestly say that I have described my days as being so heavy and that everything seems so hard to do. That is the sludge for me …. I cry every single day because I feel like I have been fired from my “job”
    Our lives are so different now and we need to learn to live with broken hearts until we can be with Creed and Lily again! That will be the most incredible reunion . Until then let’s lean into ” him” and count on each other for support. No one knows the pain…. I love you

  6. Jen Geist says:

    So beautifully written. So raw and honest. You are such a strong woman and I hope that you continue to feel absolutely blanketed in God’s love and the love of all your amazing family and friends. Here’s hoping those bruises all fade and the sludge clears quickly. Thinking of you and Creed regularly. Namaste

  7. Molly mercer says:

    Hi!
    I am a friend of Matt and Melanie Bell, and our LIFE Group has prayed many times for you and for your precious Creed. Your words, so eloquently written, give vivid insight into what it must feel like to be in your shoes. We will continue to pray for you…there in the sludge with your bruises. Thank you for your witness, even as you weather this storm.
    “Blessed be the name if The Lord. Blessed be your name!”

  8. Sam Reese says:

    Steph, you have constantly been in our thoughts and prayers. You are an exceptional young lady that God has used in a mighty way. I love your openness about your feelings and your dependence on God. He will not desert you and will continue to use others to help you thru your healing. You have shown us what a loving mom is. Creed was blessed beyond measure to have you as his mom!—Lots of love. Sam Reese

  9. Tommie Carter Thompson says:

    Stephanie, Courtney and I think of you and pray for you and your family often. You and your son are such an inspiration! You are a symbol of Faith and Strength for so many and definitely for us. Take care:)

  10. Debra Knight says:

    Stephanie,

    You continue to be an inspiration, a pilar of strength and a woman of amazing faith. You and Creed are a witness to so many of a faith in God that is so deep, so grounded, others can feel it. When I think of Creed, and I often think of Creed, I think of an old soul in a small body who loved God, his mommy, music and comic books and I smile 🙂 I am glad to hear you are having good days and having them more often. Bruises eventually get better (I didn’t say go away) and cars do get out of the sludge. Praying for your bruises and you to keep walking toward dry land out of the sludge.

    Blessings,

    Debra

  11. Jen B says:

    Loved reading this and knowing that you are healing, it was so beautifully relayed. Thinking about you often, especially now that I’m a mom. Xoxo

  12. Bev says:

    I just want your family to know how deeply Creed has touched my life. He is the brightest light that I have ever known and he has led me to Our Father. I give God the glory. The greatest legacy any of us can leave is knowing that our lives have touched another. Creed has done that for me and I am truly grateful.

  13. Jack Edward says:

    To the circle of truly blessed people who were fortunate enough to hear and know of this Increedable little boy I want to say that no matter how difficult everyday life may be never forget that there was once a bright light that will never be forgotten and that draws us every day closer to Our Father. How fortunate were we for the gift!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s